Flags of our Glasto

I haven't quite made my decision on the great Glastonbury flags debate, but I agree it's an issue - and not a simple one, oh no. It seems to me that a complex rule set should be brought in to make everyone's Glastonbury Pyramid Stage experience safer and more enjoyable - especially mine.

The over-numerous high-pole flags and banners should probably be restricted:

1) Unless I find them useful for navigation purposes. I need to be found in the heaving maelstrom by a simple text message to friends and family: pyramid stage rhs under inflatable giraffe and left of che guevara is enough to pinpoint my location almost exactly.

2) When they block my view of the band. Obviously.

3) When they are about sport. I have nothing against Premier League football clubs, Formula One racing teams or the Chipping Sodbury Tiddlywink 3rd XV - but I don't want to be distracted by these irrelevant enthusiasms when I am grooving to Bruce Springsteen.

4) Unless the are funny. Golf Sale This Way works. I Love Sausages doesn't.

5) If it takes an Iwo Jima-like multi-person effort to erect and guy ropes to keep it up, it's too big.

6) Peace, Love, Smiley Faces - I accept a smattering these can help with the vibe. Some refugee from Sid's mutant toy collection in Toy Story on a stick won't.

Of course, once you start banning flags, what next? How much should they legislate? A Glastonbury rulebook:

Rule 13c: Audience members may only sit on fellow audience member's shoulders if i) female and ii) willing to remove T shirt and and wave over head like demented rodeo rider for one short interval on each shoulder-mounting instance.